Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm to blame

It's been over 10 months after my abortion and it still seems like it was yesterday. It wasn't because I had a bad life and "I don't want my child to go through the same thing I went through" and it wasn't because my parents are rich and "I didn't want to let them down". I did it because.... well I don't know why I did it. I'm not good at making quick decisions and it was thrown in my face so quickly. I went to the clinic on that Monday. February 6, 2006 to find out I was pregnant. I called the Atlanta SurgiCenter Tuesday. They only had appointments open for Thursday and Saturday. I had a Biology exam Thursday so I was set for my abortion that Saturday. February 11th. The planning wasn't hard. I didn't think about it much it didn't even set in that I was pregnant until after the abortion and been long performed. The abortion to me was like death. It's like when someone close to you dies your sad, sad, sad when it happens then it kinda goes away after a week or two. But then it blows up in your face HUGE when u least expect it. Like when your having a bad day, or your lonely, or when your really drunk. The difference is death you know is a part of life and has to be accepted because everyone dies but ABORTION... that's a different story. That blows up in your face, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN and you don't just cry hysterically and weep for a little while I went into a zombie depression for 4 months straight. I'm sorry pulling out of it but as soon as I think I'm getting better it comes back. Kinda like now. I don't think I've ever cried so much before. It hurts, it hurts real deep because there's nobody to blame but yourself. And it never stops and I wonder if it will ever stop. I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant.


Lauren said...

Hi, First I'd like to say that I'm so sorry that you're suffering.

I've never had an abortion, but I know alot of women who have. There are some good sites like


For the sake of disclosure I am prolife, but that extends to the women who have lost so much of their lives to abortion. I pray that you will continue to post your story, and through that you will find healing.

Rachael S. said...

((Hugs)) It's very couragous of you to share your story and I admire your honesty. And I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your past abortion. But know you are not alone. I highly recommend the Life After Abortion Blog, which Lauren suggested. The two ladies who run the blog have each had an abortion and are understanding and knowledgeable on various post-abortion healing resources. I wish you healing and peace.

nursemaria said...

I am sorry to hear about the abortion. I too had an abortion at the age of 15 and it devastated my life for 10 years. I struggled with depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety and an inability to trust anyone including my husband. I was pressured into the abortion by society, being 15 and too young for a child and the boyfriend, whom I later lost anyway.

I remember the day I had my abortion. It was in Denver at the Planned Murderhood clinic. It was snowing and dark. I was crying on the way there and on the way out. The boyfriend just kept saying, "Why are you crying?" I couldn't even catch my breath to answer. I know that people cringe when they see sidewalk counselors outside of clinics. They have the pictures everyone hates, they tell you things like you will regret it, and don't kill your baby. Unfortunately, no one was there they day I went. Or I was crying so much I can't recall. It is ironic that now I am one of them.

It is horrible to see how many young girls are dragged in by boyfriends, mothers, older men who have impregnated them or girlfriends who think they are helping. Sometimes the whole family goes along and brings the sibling of the soon to be murdered baby.

It is funny how everyone says it is a "choice" but, how can something that seems like a last resort (choice)really be a choice. A choice is hot chocolate or tea, not kill your child or.... whatever the threat is that day for the that person.

At the time of my husband leaving me, I came to realize that my past sins were weighing heavily on me. I knew that I had killed my child. In the face of this, the only place to turn was to Jesus. He took my burdens and I know that one day I will see my child.

I deeply regret and repent for the abortion I had. I have peace now knowing that I will not go to hell and that God loves me enough to sacrifice His Son for me. I sacrificed my child for ME. That is what is so hard to accept.

I am thankful that I did not kill myself because I now am able to help others, like you, who are suffering. I am enjoying the life I have with my children. I ended up being a teen mom anyway and I wouldn't give them up for anything. The contrast is night and day. I have learned that children are a treasure not a burden. I am a nurse practitioner and I help people with their struggles everyday. I obtained an education despite being a young mom. Only in America could this be accomplished.

Being an African-American woman as well, I have since learned that Planned Murderhood is targeting our people with the genocide of abortion. Please don't stay silent. Speak out to everyone you know.

There are many groups that offer postabortion syndrome counseling. The local crisis pregnancy center should have them as well. Please check out and and I am glad I am alive to fight this horror in America, I hope you will join me.