Thursday, December 28, 2006

Part I

I had to sit in the abortion center from 8AM that morning until about 9:30PM. I was there for a looooong time. I walked to the abortion center because after I learned to price to get an abortion I wouldn't have money for a taxi to the abortion center and back. Only one way. (But luckily this place had a student discount on abortions; "Well that's great" I said sarcastically as the nurse tried to cheer me up). I thought it was going to be much more private, ya know it being an abortion center and all. I mean the establishment was private. I had to buzz in before I could go into the building stating my name and the time of my appointment. Then a security guard had to come to the door and escort you to the back of the building in the waiting room. I believe it had to be at least 100 people in the little room. And it seemed so natural that's what really creeped me out. It was like a waiting room at a doctor's office. So at first I thought maybe this is a doctors office and abortions are not the only thing they do here. I WAS WRONG everybody in that room was either getting an abortion or was there for the person getting the abortion. It was rows and rows of chairs and a TV hanging in the middle of the room. There was no place but the very back close to the window for me to sit. I filled about the 50 papers that you fill out in a normal doctor's office and turned those in. Then I waited........... and waited........... and waited. Then they finally called out my name. Well actually my first initial and my last name. And I walked to the back that's when all the nervousness came in. I could barely walk. Everything was done in groups. Like they would call 5 or 6 people back and once then you would have to leave in a group then come back in a group then change in a group I kinda felt like I was in some kinda boot camp. I always seemed to be in a group with this older white lady she looked like she was about 45 years old her husband was there for her. She had on a red jacket. Well anyways they weighed us, pricked our finger, we had to pee in a cup (this is when they did our pregnancy test), and then they said "okay now u 3 sit over there, and u 3 sit over here".. I set over there. It was about 11 30 by then and I was already tired. I had to sit and sit and sit for about an hour and a half back there because they took us in the room one by one. I was getting really, really nervous sitting there. The nurses where walking up and down the hall going about there business but I guess they could tell by the look on my face because people kept giving me these crazy looks. I knew my whole body was shaking, I have really bad nerves, and I didn't know until that day. My hands were shaking, I could stop tapping my foot and my stomach was doing somersaults (but I had no fear of being sick considering, I was unable to eat anything 24 hours before I got to the clinic) so I decided to put my head in my lap. The nurse came over and I'm not sure if thought I was crying or if I had passed out. She asked if I was okay. I didn't even look up. Because I had heard them earlier talking about me.. ("I think she's going to be sick", "Has she had her head down like that the whole times she's been back here", "She's getting everybody else upset"). I had my head on my knees because I never liked for people to see me cry. I was by far the youngest one in my GROUP. They all were at least 30, I had just turned 20 the week before and I have always been told I don't look over 16 so I knew they thought I was just another black promiscuous teen that might have had a little money since she could afford an abortion and decided not to be a baby mama on welfare or she was just too young and didn't want her parents to find out. Hm I could care less what they thought.. so I'm a big crybaby and everybody was moaning and groaning because I wasn't being woman about it. Well maybe it was too much for me to handle maybe even though I'm 20, going to college, living on my own, paying my own bills I'm not a WOMAN. Okay I talk to my mom on the phone every night and sometimes when I'm bored I color in a coloring book and when my roommates not home I sometimes leave the hall light on because it makes me feel better. But what I was going through had nothing to do with them and a hell of a lot to do with me. I had lots of stuff on my heart and if I wanted to sit there with my head in my lap, my shoulder bouncing up and down, and constant sniffling I could do that because that's how I dealt with it. I didn't raise my head up to I was called back into the room........ my EXAMINATION with the nurse.

I'm to blame

It's been over 10 months after my abortion and it still seems like it was yesterday. It wasn't because I had a bad life and "I don't want my child to go through the same thing I went through" and it wasn't because my parents are rich and "I didn't want to let them down". I did it because.... well I don't know why I did it. I'm not good at making quick decisions and it was thrown in my face so quickly. I went to the clinic on that Monday. February 6, 2006 to find out I was pregnant. I called the Atlanta SurgiCenter Tuesday. They only had appointments open for Thursday and Saturday. I had a Biology exam Thursday so I was set for my abortion that Saturday. February 11th. The planning wasn't hard. I didn't think about it much it didn't even set in that I was pregnant until after the abortion and been long performed. The abortion to me was like death. It's like when someone close to you dies your sad, sad, sad when it happens then it kinda goes away after a week or two. But then it blows up in your face HUGE when u least expect it. Like when your having a bad day, or your lonely, or when your really drunk. The difference is death you know is a part of life and has to be accepted because everyone dies but ABORTION... that's a different story. That blows up in your face, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN and you don't just cry hysterically and weep for a little while I went into a zombie depression for 4 months straight. I'm sorry pulling out of it but as soon as I think I'm getting better it comes back. Kinda like now. I don't think I've ever cried so much before. It hurts, it hurts real deep because there's nobody to blame but yourself. And it never stops and I wonder if it will ever stop. I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant.